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By Mary Lindow

As I sit here in the outdoors this evening enjoying an unusually cool and brilliantly moonlit sky, I am stirred to speak openly and transparently about the things that God is not only dealing with in my personal journey with him, but also some of the trends and presumptions that occur in the world of “Christendom” when it appears and feels as if the Father God is far off and seemingly unresponsive to the cries of those desperate for relief and merciful compassion.

Through his own personal agony, King David came to a new understanding of what it really was that God required from man.

ENMESHED INTO DECEPTION 

God is not interested in our outward sacrifices or "offerings."

This does not necessarily mean that God never requires outward forms of worship or expression or observances. Many lines of Scripture prove that at times he does. But it does mean that these are not the things that he requires first. If our religious practices contain nothing more than outward actions and performance, then God takes no pleasure in them.

God always looks underneath what goes on outwardly, and looks to the motives and the attitude of the heart. What does he look for there?

 David tells us in Psalm 51:16 -17

“For you delight not in sacrifice, or else would I give it; you find no pleasure in burnt offering. 

The sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise.” 

 

BROKEN AND CONTRITE

These are not common words to our ears these days! 

Just what does it mean when God asks that we have a broken spirit?

 Does he want us to be beaten down and humiliated? 

I am sure that this is not his plan. So? What IS a broken spirit? 

It is an “inner self” that has come totally to the end of it-self. It makes no claims, and offers no arguments. All independence, all self-will, self-promotion, all self-righteousness have been pruned away.

Such a spirit simply turns and trusts completely upon God, not trusting in his own skill, merit, popularity, or ability to influence. This one who has willingly allowed the disciplining of his soul knows that he or she must only trust in God and his unrelenting mercy.

If we will ALLOW Him to guide us, HE knows how to produce this brokenness of spirit in each of us. Just remember, he treats us as individuals. And he would never abuse our individuality. He uses just the right amount of intensity needed to accomplish his desires, that we would relinquish our mistrust in his plan and fully step into total abandonment, willingly accepting his plan.

“For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.” 

-Lamentations 3:33

 

AFFLICTION IS ALSO KNOWN AS - “DISCIPLINE” 

If there was ever a man who had to face affliction also known as “discipline” - it was David. I am amazed that he never became bitter. He even admitted that it did him good! God allows us to come under afflictions/discipline, not because he is mad at us, nor because he has rejected us. It is actually a demonstration of his faithfulness.

When he sees us taking a wrong turn that will lead to our own harm and damage, he allows difficulty and affliction/discipline to turn us back to the way that leads to peace and blessing.

When I say affliction, I am not accusing God of bringing about harsh and devastating blows in order to knock us down and break our arms in the process.

No! No! No!

In Psalm 119:67, 71, 75 it says:

 "I used to wander off until you disciplined me;

 but now I closely follow your word.

My suffering was good for me,

for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees.

I know, O Lord, that your regulations are fair. 


You disciplined me because I needed it.

 

WHEN WE ARE "THROWN A CURVEBALL" 

How do we respond when we are "thrown a curveball" and everything we carefully planned out and prepared for suddenly takes a turn we did not expect?

David did not view afflictions/disciplines as disaster. He saw it as a form of correction - something to adjust his life. He was saying, “Before I was afflicted/disciplined I went astray and I suffered for it. Now I've learned my lesson! It pays to obey your word!”

 

ARE YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF DIFFICULTY, LOSS, OR AN ADJUSTMENT? 

May I caution you? Don't fight back! And whatever you do, do not argue with God! Admit that God is dealing with you and allowing an affliction/a disciplining, a difficulty or disappointment, to address major issues of stubbornness, lazy spirituality, dependence upon others for water from the word, and more than often - a sour and willful independence that does not like accountability in every area.

 

ASK HIM, "WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ARE DOING?" 

“God? Am I off the pathway that you have planned and have willfully gone my own way?”

The Lord is seeking, looking, longing for you to turn away from things that are harmful and to bring you back to things that are in his purpose and plan.

If we are willing to learn from these afflictions/disciplines, there will come a time when we will indeed look back with gratitude for the things we have learned and matured in.

My dear friends, we were not created to serve ourselves or to meet our own needsWhatever we need, the Lord will see to it that we get it, as we move along the pathway that he has chosen. You may be asking the question, “Why is it so hard for me to hear from the Lord at first when it comes to difficult issues and decisions?”

We must understand we cannot instantly “unlearn” what we have lived our entire life.

We must as the Scripture says be "transformed" from who we are to what we want to be.

We need to understand with our whole heart that we were intended to be godly in every way. In our relationships with others, and above all, in our relationship with God the father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. If one is out of order then both will be.

But! As a dear brother in the Lord by the name of Larry Reese says, 

“We are not to fear the passing of time or fear that we are wasting time by spending time with the Lord, searching out his word, and being still in his presence.

You will never lose anything by doing these things!”

 

TRENDS, BLOGS, AND COMMENTS

It's no secret that social media has become quite a form of communication! One of the problems that can occur when “listening” to trends, blogs, and commentary from others is that sources quoted and information gathered might well be skewed to interject thoughts and opinions into the minds of those who never think for themselves.

Believers in Christ are not to be uninformed, but they are to be wise about what they “ingest and digest” when it comes to the lifestyle of a Christian.

Do not rely upon the wisdom of men to help you to ultimately reach the destiny that God himself paid the price for. He is not an ego- driven maniac looking for his entourage of followers to validate his importance!

He "paid it forward" so that we would have the opportunity to walk upon a pathway, although narrow, that leads to purposeful living and a fruitful reaping of productivity that will only advance us into further opportunities to speak of hope and a purpose for others.

 

BEWARE OF FALSE HUMILITY AND UNDERTONES OF DISDAIN 

If there were one thing that sickens the heart of God it would be underhanded and slippery craftiness oozing from those who resist the full aspect of allowing God to create in them a clean and contrite heart.

It always amazes me how individuals that need notoriety and a place of “mystical” influence seem to be able to cunningly discredit good and godly saints around them who have perhaps lovingly warned them about deceptive practices or micro-management control issues, knowing that they risk the loss of relationship when doing so.

It is as if these individuals secretly feel entitled to sidestep the issue of preferring your brother or sister, and humbly listening to their insights and observances.

Equally amazing, are those who listen to only one side of a conflict or disagreement, and then spiritualize-away the facts that harm or discord has happened.

And so, the Lord allows the difficulties and afflictions to come and expose the areas of favoritism, embracing the “new and exciting”… 

…Rather than the narrow and at times - dry pathway to mature godliness.

 

 There will always be among us, those claiming to have “THE” word of the hour, the “message of the forefathers”, and on and on the platitudes and justifications are listed to justify the mocking and putting down of the simple and unique message of self-abandonment.

 

LISTEN FOR THE SOUND OF MERCY 

Listen to the “tone” in the voice of those addressing the crowd, the congregation, or perhaps a small study group. False humility has a highly "honeyed" pitch of barely restrained condescension, laced with heavy doses of unsolicited advice and counsel.

Rarely will individuals who have an exaggerated view of their own importance allow others to warmly and intimately engage in transparent communication and dialogue regarding the unique and yet equal calling and gifting of each child of God. 

 

NOW IS THE TIME -- THE TIME IS NOW! 

These words have been spoken out from the Lord over the lives of many who seemingly can hardly lift their heads due to delays, betrayals, losses, and a deep, deep internal anguish. It seems as if God sees greater fruitfulness when we are at the bottom of the proverbial "barrel"!

Those who are forever wishfully proclaiming that the “bad times are over and good times are ahead” are sadly attempting to override the ache of the soul when it longs to return to the comfort zone of self indulgence.

“But look, you are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless!” -Jeremiah 7:8

Know this. To avoid the chastening and bruising of our souls is a guarantee that not only will you cause devastating and brutal pain to others, but also most importantly, you shall grieve the Holy Spirit.

I ENCOURAGE THOSE OF YOU READING AND LISTENING,

TO TEST THE FRUIT OF THOSE WHO CLAIM TO HAVE

A SPECIAL AND MYSTICAL "IN" WITH THE LORD.

 

The Lord is not one who neither “excludes” nor leaves the broken out in the cold, nor does he invite into his inner courts of wisdom and revelation, those who would use it to their own personal advantage or fame.

 

IT IS TIME. NOW IS THE TIME! THE TIME IS NOW!

It is time to face the chastening of the Lord in the light of the purpose he has behind it. Growing up and maturing finally in the things he has been dutifully prodding you to do for a long time now.

 

PROCRASTINATION  FELLOWSHIPS WITH SLOTHFUL AND SLOPPY APPROACHES

 TO RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AND WITH MANKIND.

 

For once and for all make the decision to not blame-shift or deflect onto others what God is dealing with in the wickedness of your own soul.

Now is the time to be willing to lose your life, to be afflicted -- yes even to the point of having the Lord remove and expose those who have become disobedient, self-promoting, and abusive in the circles you walk within.

 “SEE TO IT that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.” Colossians 2:8

 

OPEN YOUR EARS 

The Lord is speaking! Listen!

He has wisdom to impart to you that may well save and instruct others who might fall into foolish behavior. It is not about your comfort, your "wants" nor even your dignity! It’s about a willingness to be the servant of the Savior, and to emulate His example.

He Is Speaking....

...But are we listening?

“The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue,

To know the word that sustains the weary.

He wakens me morning by morning, Wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.”

Isaiah 50:4

 

Duplication and sharing of this writing is welcomed as long as that complete source,

website and podcast information

for Mary Lindow is included.

Thank You

Copyright © 2019 THE MESSENGER " ~ Mary Lindow

www.marylindow.com

www.globalprayerrooms.com

https://marylindow.podbean.com/mobile/

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By Mary Lindow

What I will be sharing with you in the next few paragraphs is something I am being heavily moved upon by the Father to pour out to you and to in a sense, "impart to you" from His Spirit.

SOME OF IT YOU WILL LIKE, 

some will strongly challenge you and maybe even prick your soul a bit. But, all for the Good of the purposes God has for you. I love you all enough in Christ to not fear your potential upset with my loving insights.

STRETCH THE TENT PEGS OVER THE GLOBE
The following thoughts and spiritual insights are shared with the intention of helping you see a broader picture, a richer dimension “Kingdom-Globally” and, to challenge you to stretch the tent pegs over the Globe, not just in your local region or country. 

So often we want to “export” our spiritual experiences or current expressions of the Holy Spirit to other places and think our way of serving God in our locality is the most powerful and effective pathway to Promised Revival and times of Refreshing.

Many of these same Spiritual moves of the Hand of God are also occurring in Europe, S. Africa, the USA and other places globally. Remember, we are of the Heavenly Kingdom, on assignment to the Globe and have been strategically placed to serve the King of Glory.


SO! HERE WE GO!
Get a cup of tea or coffee and enter the Classroom of the Holy Spirit!

I do agree, that much of what the Lord desires to be done in our native nations needs to come from among the "tribe" there, but we need to be ever so careful to see that the Lord sends in and sends out from among our own and others, specific messengers, people, and giftings in order to train, edify, breakdown earthly cultural divisions and...Refresh.

NO MOVEMENT OR REGION IS EXCLUSIVE ON THE EARTH…
…when the Kingdom is being freely expressed. Everywhere on the Globe, God is doing similar things. I have watched it occur in the United States of America, the United Kingdom, Germany, France, Africa, and Australia over and over again. The weeping, worshiping, repenting type of movement was rich, humbling, and overflowing.

AS YOU GO TO THE LOCATIONS THE LORD MIGHT SEND YOU, 
see yourself carrying a small jar of oil as the widow of the prophet had in the book of Kings. 
(2 Kings ch. 4 vs. 1-7)
What if she had never obeyed and had not collected the empty “foreign pots of her neighbors”, as many as she could? And she did it in front of her children!

AS she shut herself up with the jars, (empty vessels) and her children, she still had to empty the little precious oil she had in the possession of her small self or - hence, the little pot of oil.

DEAR CHILD OF GOD. YOU ARE ONLY GIVEN ENOUGH FOR EACH EVENT, 
EACH MOMENT TO POUR OUT.
BUT. Once you do freely pour into any nation or individual, meaning-any vessel that is empty and put aside, more will then flow, until, all their jars (people) have been filled. Then, you go home, and rest in His presence and prepare again.

THE JOY AND YET SOBER WARNING

that comes from the Lord to those sent to nations is that we must never exclude others from other nations or foreign lands, whether we are at home or in another nation. All that we are, and have been set apart for must be freely shared, freely given, and…
… Freely let go of.

LOCATION IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT TO HUMANS.

It gives us a sense of belonging, purpose, and identity.
However, we cannot lay stake to where and how God will move or honor our efforts. His heart is set upon the whole location of earth to bring it into a Heavenly kingdom fit for Him to rule and reign. He brings heaven down to us, wherever we are, regardless of our location.

The Lord sees our zeal and thrills over the gatherings we have all been a part of. Large or small.
And He celebrates with us!

BUT I AM STIRRED WITH A PROPHETIC WORD OF WARNING…
… And also a spiritual insight. 

Once you have stepped into ministering on a national and perhaps international level and move into another place of God’s design for your life, the first thing the Enemy likes to do is imply that we have become more unique or special in our place of calling, location, or expressions.

Actually. You have been called to die further. 

To ambition, to personal vision and importance. 

Teach this to the young ones.


WE MUST LEARN THAT IT IS NOT LOCATION OR HARD WORK THAT GOD IS BLESSING!


He blesses lives Hidden WITH God in Christ.

Those who will start fires wherever they are sent and then, carry the embers of that flame with them, releasing others to fan the flames.

"He makes winds his messengers,
Flames of fire his servants." 
Psalm 104:4


“I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 
'Do not hold them back.' 
Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth!” 
Isaiah 43:6


WHAT ARE THE BATTLES OF ENTERING INTO "THE CALLING?"

The Big ones? 

Personal obscurity and self-denial.
Letting go of the torch of personal vision so that others may flourish. 
Laying down our exclusiveness and letting others in on God's inclusiveness… globally.

"Therefore, my brothers, 
Be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure.
For if you do these things, you will never fail." 
2 Peter 1:10


THESE WORDS MAY SEEM INTENSE…

...And sobering dear friends.
But you have stepped into it now and I would not be a true friend to you if I didn't lovingly share with you that, since you have received a commissioning, you must also prepare to release that and, commission others until you yourself have multiplied the fire by allowing others everywhere to be able to have some of it, to fan it, to flame it...to make it their own, only to then repeat the process.


SIMULTANEOUSLY, OTHER GATHERINGS AND MEETINGS ARE OCCURRING GLOBALLY, UNANNOUNCED TO ALL OF US FOCUSING ON OUR OWN REGIONS OR AREAS.


THE LORD IS "TABERNACLE-ING WITH HIS PEOPLE" ...

,,,Everywhere that there is humility, hunger, and holiness.
Eventually, all of this kind of "tent meeting" will produce a move of Global intensity and will have a Glorious Collision among tribes, nations and peoples. We will all know one another in Christ and identify ourselves only as those from another Heavenly Kingdom. Even if we do have different accents and languages to struggle with!

"With this in mind, we pray for you, 
that our God may count you worthy of his calling, 
and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours 
and every act prompted by your faith." 
2 Thessalonians 1:11



AS YOU GO TO THE NATION OR CITIES OR PEOPLE THE LORD SENDS YOU TO…

...You go as a black man or woman, 
a yellow man or woman, 
a white man or woman, 
a brown man or woman 
and a red man or woman.

YOU GO GLOBALLY, CULTURALLY, AND KINGDOM-LIKE.

YOU ARE one of THEM.

YOU become that part of the Kingdom when you are there, and you fan the flame God has placed in their location, leaving another aspect of the Kingdom with them, to also carry… Globally.

When we implement this, we mature in Christ and step into a new dimension and a new "Good Time to die a little more," and in doing this we produce and dispense the fresh perfume of a surrendered life.

"But thank God! 
He has made us his captives,
 and continues to lead us along in Christ’s triumphal procession. 
Now he uses us to spread the knowledge of Christ everywhere,
like a sweet perfume."
2 Corinthians 2:14



***************************************** 
Duplication and re-transmission of this writing is welcomed provided that complete source and website information for Mary Lindow is included. 
Thank You 
Copyright © 2014 " THE MESSENGER " ~ Mary Lindow 
www.marylindow.com
www.globalprayerrooms.com  

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By Mary Lindow


Beloved. 

The Lord has prepared us for this season. 

He wants us to focus on the path ahead of us. 

The refining is painful but brings correction and is beautiful at the end.

Psalm 16: 11 says
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 17:3
You have tried my heart;
You have visited me by night;
You have tested me and You find nothing;
I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.

THE LORD WANTS US TO KNEEL
...Before him in repentance, for it rids us of our self-focus. Light comes when we are delivered from ourselves!

Psalm 36:9
For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light


THE LORD WANTS US TO PAY ATTENTION
...To our “eye gates.” What we look at.
Our hearts need to be locked into His gates.
He says, “Look to me!”
And His arms are the gates that are holding us.

Psalm 118 Vs 19
Open for me the gates of righteousness;
I will enter and give thanks to the LORD


HE WANTS US TO STAY IN THE INNER COURT

...And minister Him. He is wanting us to get to “Ground Zero.”
Go into it and let all things of the flesh melt.

Psalm 101:6
My eyes shall [look with favor]
upon the faithful of the land,
that they may dwell with me;
He/she who walks blamelessly,
He/she shall minister to me.

HE WANTS US TO BE DELIVERED
...From disappointments or the feeling of being unworthy

Psalm 34:4
I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears.

You see, it is fear that holds us back and fear that causes us to to feel paralyzed or paranoid and so we are not able to move ahead in:

Wisdom
Advancement
and
Reconciliation.

THE LORD IS CALLING US OUT TO RISK.
He will not fail us!
He will not cause us to stumble, but He will cause us to grow and mature into the saint that will cause people out in the world to want to listen to what we have to share.

If we act ashamed of the Gospel and we act religious, then people are not interested in what we have to say. Whatever “fresh thing” we think that we are bringing.

But when we have the sweet presence of God flowing out of our lives, when we have His grace and abundance, and mercy and kindness is expressed in actions and deeds of tremendous forgiveness, then the world is drawn to something tender and sweet. And it answers the hollowness of their own lives.

THE LORD WANTS US TO BE RESTING

...And praying.

He is using His “holy sandpaper” to get down to the beauty of the true wood in our lives.

Psalm 62:1
My soul finds rest in God alone;
My salvation comes from him.

Psalm 62: 5
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from him.

Dear Child of God.
I encourage you to understand that the pressure that you are under or perhaps even the sorrow or suffering that seems so unbearable, is not something that you need to consider as a punishment from the Lord.

It is He, driving us into a place where we are dependent upon Him only.
He allows the sorrows in order for us to find out just how weak we are in our own abilities, and how strong He is to deliver us.

I encourage you today to move into today what is known as WAR.

Wisdom

Knowing just what really is the Wisdom of God.
To seek it out and find it.

Advancement

What does it mean to move ahead into the deeper things of God? Usually, it means dying to our own pleasure, our own self, which seems to be a bit of a paradox compared to what we like to do. Thinking that if we produce more, we move ahead more. But the Lord says, “ He that humbles himself in My sight, I WILL raise up at the right time.

Reconciliation

The Lord desires for each of us that we would have a season of reconciliation. He desires that we would be brought back to a place of rest with those whom we may have been in strife with.

I encourage you that if there is anyone that you need to reconcile with or ask if you have in anyway offended them, go to them.

If they do not receive you well, know that the Lord will continue to work on your behalf deep within their heart.

LET US COME INTO A HOLY PLACE
...As this season of the Lord moves across the earth.
He is drawing His saints together to lay down their religious strongholds and opinions as well as judgments of one another. Choosing instead, to bend their knees humbly and cry out to the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords to reveal Himself in all of His grace and Mercy to them.

Let us, be some of the very first people to bow our knees, to pray for one another, to ask the Father that He would again touch the planet Earth one more time with a great fiery move of His Spirit. That those that are lost, broken and deceived would have their eyes opened and their understanding made clear that the Son of God has come and redeemed them from the curse.

Duplication and sharing of this message is welcomed provided that complete message and website information for Mary Lindow is included. Thank you.
Copyright © 2013 "
THE MESSENGER " ~ Mary Lindow
www.marylindow.com 
www.globalprayerrooms.com

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Dear Friends,

I have a most precious "real life" story to share with you. It is the story and of one very brave and amazing woman. Her name is Karen Elliott and she lives in San Antonio, Texas.

What Karen is about to share on this podcast and written pages will cause you to weep as as well as rejoice at the forgiveness of the Lord and His power to wash away deep traumatizing shame and sorrow.

Share this story with young women, friends, and others with a painful past or current trauma. It is not recommended that you share this with young children due to the sensitive information regarding abortion in it as well as a few detailed graphics.

This testimony has now been aired all over Europe and Israel as well as the USA and other Nations and countries. The Lord is using this tremendous story to tell of His Mercy and Grace.

If you are touched by Karen's brave sharing, please send her an email and bless her as your sister in Christ. If you need someone to talk to about a similar series of events, Karen is on of the most discreet and kind women you could ever share your broken heart with.

In His Shadow, Mary Lindow

“Silent No More” Testimony of Karen Elliott karen.steve@sbcglobal.net

Thank you so much, Ladies and Gentlemen, for the opportunity to speak to you today.   I’d like to share my heart, my life with you.  All I ask is that you please listen with your heart!

You know, I used to ask myself what I wanted to be when I grew up.  There are so many things that interest me that I just wanted to embrace them all.  Art, fashion, interior design, real estate.  I was an art major in college, I had five years of private painting lessons, and painting is a chapter in my life which isn’t over just yet.  I have been under contract with a modeling agency in Texas, because I believe that mature women need to be equally represented in advertising, a trend that is just now coming to the forefront. 

I design interiors for people because I believe God wants us to flourish in our surroundings.  Another one of the things I do is to consult with women about their wardrobes…what sort of styles they should wear for their body type, what colors look good on them, even how to organize their closets so that getting dressed can be easy.

But on a more serious note, I’d like to share some of the secrets that have been hidden away in my closet.  Because you see, all of those things that I loved and embraced were on the surface.  Underneath, there was a secret that I had buried -- a secret that I told no one.

I was born to loving parents who were and still are very much in love with each other ( Karen's Mother has recently passed away).  I was raised in a Christian home and went to church.  I accepted Jesus and was born again in my mother’s bedroom when I was only nine years old.  I was already selfish and self-centered and wanted my own way.  I already needed His saving grace. 

I got married at 19 after two years of college, long before I knew who I was and what I needed in life, much less what I had to offer someone else.  That was what we had in common, and we were soon disappointed in each other.  I went to work immediately while my husband went to college and then law school. 

So much of our life was focused on when we got out of school that we forgot to invest in and enjoy the present.  The goal was more important than the means by which we would attain it.  Church was no part of our life and neither of us thought too much about it.  I occasionally remembered that I felt God had called me to the ministry as a pastor’s wife, but it seemed that no longer had any relevance in my life.  All that mattered is that we had two darling little girls.  After seven years together and much of the enemy’s intervention, we divorced and I went to Atlanta to live with my parents. At 25, divorced with children, and with no college degree, I felt ill-prepared for the workforce and I had to tell everybody within the first five minutes of meeting them that my ex-husband was an attorney.  My whole life had lost its focus.  I had to support myself without my ex-husband’s education and credentials.  It seemed that I had no identity of my own.  You know, when a couple is divorced, the woman is suddenly no longer “the wife.”  The man still has his name, he still has his career, he still has his education.  If the woman did not have a career before marriage, she has to establish herself on her own.  If she marries again, she has yet another name and a new identity to assume. It can be very confusing.  A woman may ask, “Who am I, anyway?”  She searches to establish who she is.  Who she  was  is not who she is  anymore!

Though I had been a Christian most of my life, my identity was wrapped up in being the wife of my ex-husband.  So when my marriage ended, I experienced an identity crisis.  God wanted my identity to be wrapped up in Him, not in another person.

After my divorce, I started dating, and for the next couple of years I had very stringent rules for myself.  But the unthinkable happened!  I found myself pregnant!  It was not the Immaculate Conception!  I was old enough to know better!  How could I have been so stupid?  The choices I had made had trapped me!

The devil began warring on my senses.  Now I felt I had no choice!  If I were to have this baby, my ex-husband could say that I was an unfit mother and might try to take my children away from me!  I felt I had to act fast.  I decided I had to terminate the pregnancy.  I made a call to a man I knew who made the arrangements for an abortion.  The details are as vivid as though they all happened last week.

I could not have been more than four or five weeks pregnant.  After the procedure, I passed a tiny piece of pink flesh which was the beginning of a little baby.  It was not a blood clot like we sometimes have during periods of heavy flow; it was unmistakable.  I will never forget what I saw.

That image has haunted me, when I least expect it, and has never been forgotten even though I have kept my secret entirely hidden for many years. In a book by Francine Rivers called The Atonement Child,  many passages pierced my heart.  The words expressed so many thoughts and emotions that I have felt.  I would like to share one of these passages with you.

Quote: “She had sought a way out, any way out, and then had lied to get the money for an abortion, sacrificing her unborn child.  And since then, she had lied to herself and others.  Sowing seeds of destruction.  Why had she done it?  To hide her shame?  To pretend the past couldn’t harm her?  To avoid condemnation?  And what had she accomplished?  She was ashamed, hurting, and condemned anyway.  She could have made a hundred excuses for herself – and did – but none mattered.  None helped heal the secret pain within her because her own blood cried out against her.  You can’t run away from God!”

I had thought that an abortion wouldn’t matter, that no one would ever know, and I would just continue life as usual.  Isn’t the woman the one to make the choice about what happens to her own body?  Why hadn’t I made another choice a long time ago, saving myself from this dilemma?  I thought that the decision to abort was the end of it.  God did forgive me when I wept and repented before Him.  How could I have known that it would come back into my conscience more than 30 years later with such glaring detail? I married the man whose baby was aborted.  We were only married a month when he filed bankruptcy.  Life seemed to be a financial roller coaster and we were doomed with financial woes.  No matter how much money we made, we never had enough to pay everyone who wanted to be paid.  We were not tithing and we were not going to church.  I was taking birth control pills and got pregnant! 

The next year our precious son was born and now we had what you could call a “blended” family.  I tell you about the financial problems so you can see that I began to live under a curse of insufficiency.   Bill collectors were always calling.  There was never enough money. Our marriage just unraveled with all sorts of sin.  By this time I had become an astrological expert, and I could, with just a few details of your birth date, time and location, tell you more than you knew about yourself.  I attributed it all to God who was All-powerful, All-knowing, and All-creative.  He was absolutely able to put all of your characteristics and personality into your tiny body depending upon when and where you were born.  I was VERY convincing and had a lot of “believer-followers.”  My door was always open and the coffee pot was always on. 

Then one day, in desperation, I knelt down beside my bed and I asked Jesus to help me with my life and my children.  I had not been doing a very good job with any part of it.  He was right there as soon as I called His Name.  Soon after that we   enrolled the girls in a Christian school. 

I began to feel that we needed some continuity between school and home.  We started going to church and one morning I just could not quit crying.  The pastor invited me to come to his study the following week to talk and right there I was baptized in the Holy Spirit.  When I left the church, my car just transported me to a church member’s house, where I  never had been before.  They welcomed me and invited me to stay for lunch with them and the youth pastor who was also visiting at the time.  As we discussed the Holy Spirit, they asked me to renounce all the forms of the occult. 

I had been involved in everything - astrology, fortune-telling, tarot cards, ouiji boards, tea leaves – you name it!  It was then that I received my prayer language and I began to pray in tongues. 

A friend of mine called the next day to tell me that she had given birth to her first child in a neighboring state.  I could not tell the baby’s astrological sign and I still cannot to this day.  I was totally delivered from all of the occult!  I burned and destroyed all of the books and items related to astrology, worth more than $1,000! God miraculously set me free from that whole part of my life!  I thought I was no longer under the curse, but problems continued to plague our marriage and I ended up divorced again. 

Within a couple of years, I married again.  This time I decided that I was only going to marry a Christian.  I might as well have said I was going to marry the next red-haired man who crossed the street!  I started going to church and praying with this man, but my spirit was warning me.  I charged ahead into a relationship that was like oil and water.     

We were never able to live in harmony even though we stayed married for 13 years.  My children were unhappy, our finances were pitiful, I was deathly ill, and we were living in a constant state of war.  Because I was not able to keep current on the payments, I was given a notice of foreclosure on the house.  I went through the house proclaiming all the scriptures in Gloria Copeland’s wonderful book entitled, GOD’S WILL FOR YOU IS PROSPERITY.  I spoke to the windows, the doors, the walls, the floors!  No devil was going to take them from me!

I entered a state of faith in God’s Word and one night before the house was to be sold on the courthouse steps, I received a call from a man who offered to pay the court in return for a second mortgage on the house!  It was a stay of execution!  The Lord had delivered me and my house! 

During this marriage, the government demanded our boat and trailer to pay taxes we owed, the bank repossessed our car, we could not pay our mortgage payments, and I finally had to file bankruptcy to keep my home.  Another stay of execution!  I ended up paying off the court, the fees, and all my debtors because my original in-laws loaned me the money and told me THEY did not want my house! 

I shall always be grateful for their kindness to me in a time of need.  Over the next few years, I fully repaid them by the grace of God, who always made a way for me.  During this whole period of my life, I would be under so much pressure, unable to sleep because of so much tension.  I plunged from one crisis to another, and the relief that came was always temporary….another crisis always hit.

I remember getting up during the night in turmoil and to begin thanking God for my blessings.  As I did this, I would eventually come to the place of true praise with my hands lifted to Him, dancing around in my kitchen! I would sing, “Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your many blessings, see what God hath done!”  The Lord did enable me to overcome my circumstances.

However, there were some other circumstances that came into my life which were not financial.  It was my health. I found out that I had fibroid tumors which required a complete hysterectomy, and while in the hospital, the doctors discovered a lump in my breast.  This, of course, is part of the lingering curse from having had an abortion, though I did not make the connection then. After this time, I came into a new season in my professional life.  I had become a successful businesswoman in real estate in Atlanta, Georgia.  One of my coworkers was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Exactly one year later she died and was buried.  My emotions were raw over the loss of my friend.  I left the next day to help my youngest daughter move to  Philadelphia.  While there, I discovered a new lump in my breast.  Alarming as that new health concern was, there were still more scary circumstances of a different nature just around the corner. 

As I flew back to Atlanta a few days later, two Canadian geese were sucked into the engine at takeoff.  We had to make an emergency landing back in Philadelphia with foam on the runway. 

Completely shaken, I vowed that if I only had one year to live, like my friend, I would not live my life like I had been!! I set about to change it.  I filed for divorce and put my house up for sale.  Within a few months, my housing and marital status had changed.

Then, one day, my high school sweetheart – Steve- and I began a long-distance friendship by telephone. I called it a “phoneship!”  I was in Atlanta; he was a thousand miles away in San Antonio, Texas.  The Lord said to me one day as I was dressing, “I have chosen Steve to restore the years the locusts have eaten in your life and for you to do the same for him.”

A year after I had decided to change my life,  Steve came to see me.  We only saw each other on four different occasions.  Then we got married in Georgia and I moved back to Texas.   Over the last fourteen years Steve and I have been closely involved with various people, churches and ministries that have continuously taught us in the ways of the Lord  and helped us understand that together we have a call to the nations!  We can say now that we have a global vision.  One day the Lord impressed me to have the word “restoration” inscribed in our wedding rings, which Steve did the very next day.  Truly, we are experiencing restoration in its fullness.  Jesus will transform your life when you let Him!

Once I was scheduled to go on an antiques- buying trip to Paris on the first of March with my employer, an interior design firm.  As I was praying about it, I distinctly felt God by His Spirit say, “No.”  That was on a Saturday.  Two days later at a Christian conference taught by Alan Vincent, I introduced myself to the woman sitting beside me.  It was Mary Lindow from Colorado.  She felt impressed to invite me to join her and the U.S. ministry team at the first-ever Women’s Conference in Strasborg, France, to be held in three weeks. I told her I would pray about it and let her know.  My husband was very supportive and encouraged me to go.  All week I enjoyed the teaching of the Word, but I secretly was in turmoil over this decision.  Satan was constantly telling me I wasn’t good enough.

Finally, on the last day of the conference, as I was sitting at the back of the room it seemed God said to me, “Karen, you are 60 years old.  When are you going to start?”  You see, I had told the Lord for years that I wanted to be on the cutting edge of whatever He wanted to do on the earth!   Immediately,   I realized that God DID have something for me to do.  It didn’t matter if I felt unsure and inadequate.  I had listened to too many years of Satan’s accusations against me, seeking to diminish me and tell me I could not be useful to God.  He had kept me squelched under his thumb long enough!  It is true that you put Fire on God’s altar when you answer, “Yes!”  I did say, “Yes, Lord, yes!”  It felt glorious!  I ran to tell Mary that I would go!  Two weeks later I was in Germany and France in life-changing ministry as part of the team!   After I returned home, I was on my way to a prayer meeting about abortion.  There were representatives there from an organization that is seeking to end abortion through America’s court system.  The organization is called the Justice Foundation. As I was driving, I said out loud, “Well, God, I hope You don’t expect me to have anything to do with that!” At that moment, the Holy Spirit filled my being and I began to realize that what God wanted was no less than what I wanted for myself.  “Restoration!”    

Near the end of April I wrote out my personal statement, also known as an affidavit, admitting the secret of my abortion. God led me to share the affidavit with Mary while she was visiting me later that same year in June.  I also shared it with a friend of mine, Eileen Vincent, who later became very involved in Prayer for the Justice Foundation.   

They were both so kind and understanding, and prayed with me to have the courage to do everything that God was calling me to do. 

Well, my affidavit lay there – hidden in the file folder all summer.  What was I waiting for?

I had been asked for the very first time to give my testimony and it was for a Christian women’s meeting called AGLOW in San Antonio, Texas the following September. I knew that God wanted me to finally reveal my secret – that which had remained hidden for so, so long in the closet of my heart.  I knew I must first share my testimony with my husband and children.  Their reaction was wonderful.  Instead of shame and condemnation, they were so accepting of me!  I was so proud of them! I went to the Justice Foundation to have my paper notarized and turn it in.  As I left their office, I felt that something really remarkable had happened.  My act of obedience to reveal the secret in my closet would allow God to use me in new ways.  Two thousand affidavits were turned in from all over the country and were finally sent to the Supreme Court of the US to help overturn legalized abortion in America!  I was so pleased that my affidavit was among them.

I have come into full agreement with God’s TRUTH, and that truth is that “it is not in the human or legal interest of any mother to kill her own child.  A mother’s true interest is in her child’s LIFE and her relationship with her child.  Abortion should come to an end.”

I don’t know what the statistics are, but women who have had abortions are much more likely to develop breast cancer and they are also very often unable to have more children. The Lord allowed me to have a son in spite of my sin.  The blood of Jesus is enough, for He has forgiven me. I asked for and received that forgiveness more than 35 years ago.  But God wasn’t really through. 

He has been leading me to give my testimony so that all of us who have been through this awful act will have the courage to come forward and admit what we have done.  By coming out into the open, we can end hell’s grip on our lives.  We can be free of the trauma, the guilt, and the shame.  Researchers describe something called, “Post Abortion Syndrome” as a woman’s inability to process the fear, anger, sadness and guilt surrounding her abortion.  She may have trouble with these emotions as well as grieving the loss of her baby, and coming to peace with God, herself, and the others involved in the abortion decision.  A woman can experience many lasting effects from an abortion, including, guilt, crying, flashbacks, sadness, anger, anxiety, sleeping problems, relationship problems, alcohol abuse, depression, eating disorders, drug abuse, and suicidal thoughts. Those secrets that remain hidden continue to have power over you, and what I’m wanting to do is to help women see that if they can come to terms with abortion, that Satan’s hold and power over them would end.  Like a bomb, I had to detonate abortion’s power so it wouldn’t be something that Satan could use to keep me bound.

In answer to my question, “What was I waiting for?”  God has a plan for my life that is constantly unfolding.  That date with AGLOW in September was another turning point in my life.  It was the same month in 1969 that I had had an abortion, ending a little life so recently begun.   I began my journey of sharing my testimony and doing my part to help end abortion more than thirty years later. Is there anything hidden in your closet?  Has Satan been talking to you, like he talked to me, keeping you silent and squelched, unable to answer the Lord’s call, like he did to me?  Has he rendered you ineffective in your life?

Today we can break agreement with the enemy.  We can choose to believe what God says about us.  We can say, “Yes, Lord.”  Why don’t you make a decision to give 100 percent to Jesus?  He’ll take you to new places, doing new things, and He will restore the years the locusts have eaten in your life!  Whatever we have done in the past or whatever has been done to us or someone we love will lose its power when we put our fire on God’s altar by saying, “Yes, Lord, Yes!”  Whatever the Lord God asks YOU to do, do it!

If there has been an abortion in your past, I encourage you today to silence the enemy once and for all!!!  Won’t you decide today to be silent and shameful no more?

Duplication and re-transmission of this writing is welcomed provided that complete source and website information for Mary Lindow is included. Thank You Copyright © 2012 " THE MESSENGER " ~ Mary Lindow www.marylindow.com

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